Here’s one of the major things I dislike about social media. Someone will always have an issue with what you post. Posts you make about how you feel, think etc. Someone, and it could be a friend, eventually people you associate with or even don’t know at all will have an issue with you. They’ll become bothered, annoyed, frustrated, mad etc. Some want to argue. Some want to banter. Some want to dispute. Then you get to a point where you regret sharing anything. You start to edit yourself in fear of being judged from not even strangers but people you consider your friends. It could even be an argument about something you and a stranger or you and a friend both like. People always find a reason to try to prove to you that you are wrong online. Most of the time people don’t have a filter and they’ll chose to do this publically instead of through private message.
You could be having a shit crappy day and you post online about something that made you smile…and people either won’t notice, not care and pretend to care or they’ll get mad at you about it. For someone that doesn’t really have an in person social life, online socializing is all I have. And when you’re constantly criticized and ripped a part based on how you express yourself by people that are strangers and even friends you really do feel like shutting down your main way of socializing. I chose to have online interactions be my main form of socializing because I don’t really have a choice. I’m 35. I don’t have kids. I am chronically ill and I don’t get out much. My energy level is low. So yes I will attempt to form friendships online. I will want to feel like I can be myself online. And it doesn’t matter what social media you use. Strangers, close friends, people that are somewhat aquantinces…at some point..they will be unhappy with you and annoyed with you about something. Doesn’t matter if they tell you, ‘I’ll always be your friend. I’ll always be there for you.’
Let’s face it. We can’t truly be ourselves online. Even if we make a separate profile so we ‘can’ be ourselves there’s always gonna be someone that has a problem with you. Even people that sent YOU the friend request to begin with. So they wanted to be your friend yet… they want to tear you apart. I struggle enough with my self esteem and my own self worth on a regular basis. I try so hard to be proud to be alive. To have survived what I have. To be like…. Damn… I graduated high school and I graduated college when I didn’t even think that was possible. I’m here on this earth. Time is precious. Having a chronic illness and having been told that you could die all a sudden and that doctors aren’t really too sure what’s gonna happen to me as I get older… I want nothing more than to cherish and value my days. But I’d love to know why people in this world make living so difficult.
I get it…. yep not everyone is going to like me. that’s fine. Not everyone has to be my best friend. But do so many people need to have a problem with me in some form or another. It’s like every few days a stranger, aquantince, friend has an issue with me. Why is it so hard for others to just be kind. Social media is generally an unfun place. You have to hide your real personality. Your real likes and interests. Your real feelings. I’ve learned over the past 35 years that the majority of the people I’ve encountered…. Genuinely doesn’t like me. Either due to my disability, my beliefs, my values, my morals, my hobbies, my interests. And if it’s not that they are bothered, annoyed, frustrated, mad etc…. they just cut off communication completely which also is painful. That’s when you kinda know deep down inside that you bothered, annoyed, frustrated go them mad in regards to your behavior in some form or another and they just don’t want to tell you.
When you’re not feeling good physically any outside frustration/anger targeted towards you directly puts a lot of stress on the body. Most days my head is barely above water. It’s not too long before I think the world hates me. Soon after I start to feel… like what’s the point? I try so damn hard to put on a happy face when I’m sick every day. I can’t continue to keep a fake happy face when people get mad and frustrated with me for truthfully reasons that seem silly. The amount of people that pick me apart online is just beyond. And it’s always been this way. Is it worth hiding who I really am to try to please others? Deep down I’m still that young girl that doesn’t want to be hurt anymore. I’m tired of people making me feel shameful or wrong about how I feel about stuff. My hobbies, feelings, values, morals. I get told time and time again, “You share too much online.” Social media is for sharing. It’s about expressing ourselves. If I had real life friends I hung out with in person maybe I wouldn’t be on social media so much. I share because I love to express myself. I share to hopefully help others. I share because I’m happy. I share because I’m sad.
I’m tired of people making me feel like I’m wrong. I’m tired of people making me feel regretful of expressing myself. I’m tired of people making me feel like i have to silence myself. And how can I feel motivated to continue to reach out to people if people constantly make me feel like I shouldn’t be myself. Why do I care so much? Cause there’s people that say that they’re my friends that judge me. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life like this. I don’t want to spend the rest of my life where people negatively judge me. A life where I’m too sick to really get out there and meet real people and make friends. Friends that will eventually drift away/disappear anyway. As each year passes I learn more and more that there’s really no point in being me. I lose more and more strength to show who I really am. To enjoy the things I do. People coming to me and venting to me their problems..but when I express my problems people get mad and frustrated with me.