Pretty much…it’s like what’s the point of anything… we’re all just gonna get the virus and die anyway.
This seed of knowledge wasn’t my own. This idea was formed by others. I was pretty positive, hopeful and upbeat last week.
But after the… ‘Maybe I could.’ ‘NO you’ll get the virus.’ ‘But maybe I could.’ ‘NO you’ll get the virus and die.’
I remember a week or so ago… I was like…at least grocery stores are still open. Craft stores are still open. Crafts are one of my hobbies. At least my husband is taking precautions at his hospital job when he’s in the ER with sick people. At least I can still go through the drive through to get food. At least I can go to the park. At least I can you know… get my mail. At least if I can’t get to the grocery store I can get food delivered. At least I don’t have to worry about the envelope my dad mailed me. But now it’s like…worry about everything anything. Everything has the virus and no matter what you do, you’ll get the virus and then (due to my chronic lung disease) I will die from it. Trust me. I would get symptoms and not be able to get into the hospital due to over crowding. There would be no saving me.
But what was keeping my sanity the past week has been obliterated in the past day or so…
‘Don’t go to the grocery store..someone could cough on you. Everything you touch has the virus. People in the store have the virus. The bags have the virus. Even if you do clicklist or grocery pick up the person putting the groceries in your car has the virus. Wearing gloves won’t help you. What if the person coughs on you. The check out counter has the virus. They won’t clean it. If you get groceries delivered to your house…all the items in the bags including the bags have the virus on it.’
‘Don’t go to the gas station..the virus is on everything at the gas station.’
‘don’t go through the drive through. The person at the cash register has the virus and could cough on you. Who cares if they wear gloves it won’t protect you. All of your food and drink containers have the virus.’
‘masks won’t protect you unless you wear a hospital mask. UGH you have a hospital mask. How greedy and selfish you are. You should have donated that mask to the hospital! A dust mask isn’t gonna protect you. Gloves won’t protect you. Hand sanitizer won’t protect you.’
‘you went to the craft store! You should have stayed home! People in the store are all sick with the virus. Why didn’t you follow the rules. You need to stay home!’
‘You can’t go to the park. Everything at the park has the virus on it that people have touched.’
‘You touched mail yesterday. Then you have the virus! That post worker has the virus and touched your mail now you have the virus. You didn’t clean your mail. You should have!’
SO even though I’m pretty much staying indoors for days at a time..the few bits of freedom I get…. Will give the virus. And I’m being shamed to hell for doing anything really. On top of the fact that my husband works in the ER at a hospital that already has like 40 cases of the virus… he could have already given me the virus… legit I could die tomorrow… I don’t know…
I mean where does this insanity stop…. ‘Don’t go for a walk cause someone walking past you could cough and give the virus and you’ll die.’
Anything I do and touch… could pretty much kill me. There’s no point in actually ‘living’ anymore. Really. Everything is deadly. How can I sleep? How can I continue? Knowing that my husband will probably get the virus…. And then that’s it for me. What’s the point if I can’t do anything? I’m shamed if I go get groceries. I’m shamed if I go through the drive through to get food. I’m shamed if I go to the gas station. I’m shamed if I get my mail.