1. What time is it: How many doctors actually arrive to the exam room less than 15 minutes late? It’s like, ‘Are you nervous about today’s appointment? Let’s let that fear fester for about 30 minutes.’ And of course you’re sitting there trembling in a thin gown and each minute is torture. You’re just staring at your clothing like, ‘Okay.. I’m just done with waiting. Can I put my clothes back on now?’
2. A room with a view: I don’t know why I have such shit luck but most exam rooms I’ve been in have a window. It would be one thing if these windows were actually completely covered with a curtain but no, there’s always some ‘blinds’ that are drawn where you can still see the cars in the parking lot or some windows that have no coverings at all. Which… Seriously I don’t care if I’m up on the 10th floor. I don’t like any window in the exam room where you see out and someone can see in. Hi privacy. Nice to meet you. Have we met before?
3. Just waltz right in: Years ago Gyno’s at least from ones I had were able to do the exam with no assistance. But the last ten or so years, there’s always been another nurse in the room present. The nurse always enters without a word and pretty much ignores that you’re there. No like, “Hi I’ll be helping your doctor today. Nice to meet you.” At least acknowledge your presence in the room rather than just slink in like I wouldn’t mind at all.
4. Three’s a crowd: Apparently nothing makes student doctors run faster to an exam room than a female spread eagle on a table. I used to go family practice that was part of a ‘teaching hospital’. And without fail every single time it was always my doctor saying like ‘Oh by the way we have a student here that wants to watch.’ I mean sure, ‘Attention front lobby any other strangers want to enter the exam room. I mean it’s as small as a gas station bathroom but we can probably squeeze like three more people in there to watch.’ I am already nervous enough having my doctor look at my lady parts, let alone another random nurse that needs to assist her no way in hell am I allowing some random student observing me down there.
5. Oh the things you will read: Are you a 50 plus woman approaching menopause. Well do we have the reading material for you. If you’re exam room has magazines chances are they are not anything related to what you’d actually be interested in reading. Oh you’re in a clinic exam room? I know what will ease your fears. How about a whole selection of magazines about female health issues which will surely keep you up at night.
6. That gown looks gorgeous on you: Okay granted we’ve come a long way since the thin paper gowns that were thigh length. Then we upgraded to actual cloth gowns with ties. Which I was perfectly fine with. Now they have these thick fabric long gowns that you sweat up a storm in. There’s no ties on them so you constantly have to hold them closed.
7. That must be in the form of a question: Oh the health questions. It used to be years ago that the doctor would ask you a list of questions. Which were all cringe worthy and embarrassing. If people would feel more comfortable writing the answers why not just give them a health survey at the beginning of the appointment. It would save time and embarrassment for the patient. Trust me. Now a days it’s pretty much the doctor reads past answers you gave them from the previous appointment and you just nod your head if it’s all ‘still good’. And it’s always so technical. Why not general questions like: How’s your sex life going? How’s masturbation? Still okay? Any issues with that? They quickly read out loud the answers you gave them the previous year and don’t really give you space or a moment to explain stuff that might be going on until after they read the questions and then there’s a chance that you’d forget what you were going to say in the first place.
8. A box of sharp objects: If you’ve forgotten why you’re in the exam room today you’ll be reminded once you enter the room. They don’t even try to hide it. All instruments are there on the counter. I mean… sure that’s what I want to see while I’m waiting 40 minutes for the doctor to show up after I’ve waited 30 minutes in the waiting room. I’m sweating so much at this point you could ring it out and fill a bucket. I mean you made the appointment for the women’s wellness exam, you don’t really need to have the objects out on the counter to remind the patient. They’re already buck naked beneath a thin cloth what do you think they’re gonna assume that they’re there for.
9. There’s a pill for that: Got pms bad? Take the pill. Got bad cramps? Take the pill. Got irregular periods? Take the pill. Have an ingrown toe nail? Take the pill. Have a pesky hang nail? Take the pill. Pretty much any ailment I’ve mentioned to my gyno it’s always, “Well you know birth control will help that.” Gee I had no idea, can you tell me this at least ten more times during this appointment. How about some over the counter natural remedies, anything not the pill that can help with any of my issues. Do birth control pill companies pay you by commission?
10. You’re putting that where: Pap tests. Can we please stop saying that it will just feel like a ‘pinch’ and actually tell the truth. They’re putting the tip of a rubber bristled pointed stick into the opening of your cervix and turning it 360 degrees so they can get cells. Hey men… do you want the tip of a rubber bristled pointed stick put into the tip of your penis and swirled 360 degrees? Does that sound like it would be ‘just a pinch’. No. There goal Is to make you bleed. I’ve read about pap tests/gyno appointments pretty much since a few years after I went to my first appointment, wondering if I was the only one that experienced bad pain. But I keep seeing informational website after informational website with nothing but lies and downplaying the pain that I and other ladies I know go through. Why there aren’t more pain management advice/techniques for this part of the appointment always shocks me. More than just ‘Relax.’ Sorry just saying ‘Relax’ isn’t gonna do jack shit. You’ve got my vagina wide open and putting tips of objects in my cervix. This is one of the reasons why a lot of my female friends over the years I’ve known rarely ever go to these appointments. They are literally prying open your vagina with a metal duck bill like you’d put beneath your car when you want to jack it up to fix it. Then putting a wooden small spatula in your vagina and scraping the walls. I always bust a gut laughing at all these ‘what to expect from your first gyno’ visit or just any basic description of what to expect from gyno exams. It’s always the same thing, “You may feel some pressure and a tiny pinch.” No. You literally feel the scraping and the jabbing of the cervix. Things are not supposed to go ‘in’ that hole. Article after article “it shouldn’t hurt.” But you’re putting something in an opening that is only designed for menstrual blood to go through or a baby once the cervix dilates. Why they haven’t come up with some kind of numbing spray that won’t affect the test results baffles me.
11. One size doesn’t fit all: Yep I know I said the top 10 but I didn’t want to leave this one out. Are you a young in experienced girl? You get the small size plastic device. After that you’re out of luck. Never had kids? You get the regular size. Rarely ever use tampons, only pads… You get the regular size. I’ve had… let’s see… 10 to 15 different female doctors over the years that I’ve gone to for the exam. Rarely do they ever allow me to use the small size despite my suggestion that it would be less painful. That I’d be more comfortable with it. They come up with every excuse in the book as to why they can’t use the small size on me. “We need to be able to see in there.” “that device doesn’t open well enough.” “we need to be able to fit the pap test stick in there.” “there’s a high chance of the small one pinching you.” So uh… are you giving virgins in effective pap tests? Granted I’m thinking back to when I had my first pap test at 15. Yep…wasn’t expecting that to be done to me when I walked in asking for birth control. But anyway… it’s what.. age 21 now that they require females to get tested. I’d imagine there’s still some 21 year old virgins out there. So if they can get pap tests done with a small speculum and you’re able to give them accurate results…. Why not do the same for someone with a chronic illness that rarely has bedroom activies.
So ladies if you also experience overwhelming fear, anxiety and more than just a 'bit of pressure and a pinch' then I'm right there with you. I know how you feel. Don't get me wrong I know how important this test is. I will continue to get tested but it will forever be en grained in my mind how painful these exams are and that the way the tests are done, objects they use most likely will never change. It's just another mechanical routine robot like test that doctors have to make you do.